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Is Treating Yourself Well Selfish

Writer's picture: Greg ClementGreg Clement

Let me ask you something: is treating yourself well selfish?


Some of us have been told it is, and many of us spend our lives trying to please other people while letting our own needs go unmet. But let’s explore the balance between selflessness and self-care, because there’s a tension here worth unpacking.


Finding Balance Between Selflessness and Self-Care

Let me introduce something to you called agape — a selfless love that acts in the best interest of others. Agape encourages us to prefer others over ourselves. So how do we balance this with the need to take care of ourselves?


The key is to avoid extremes.


At one extreme, you never speak your mind, never communicate your needs, and pour yourself out endlessly for others. This can lead to becoming a doormat—so focused on serving others that you forget to agape yourself.


When I first learned about agape, I was completely gripped by the idea. I went all in, always putting everyone else’s needs first. And while I still believe agape is incredibly important, I overdid it. I ended up feeling drained, and, if I’m honest, resentful. That’s not what agape is supposed to be.


At the other extreme is someone who is only self-interested—putting their needs above everyone else, treating others like doormats, and demanding the final say. That’s not the kind of person any of us wants to be.


The Middle Ground: Loving Yourself and Others

The truth lies in the middle. Our ultimate goal in life is to give and receive love. At the end of your life, that’s what will matter most. And the way we live out that love is through agape.

Position yourself as a servant who prioritizes others, but don’t neglect your own needs. If you do, you’ll eventually feel resentful, which isn’t healthy or sustainable.


Think about it this way: treat your future self as someone you need to agape. You can make decisions now that act in your future self’s best interest. Every time you save money, invest, or make wise health choices, you’re giving your future self a gift.


Self care in the form of fitness
Self care in the form of fitness

Practical Steps to Agape Your Future Self

Here’s a helpful analogy: when you’re on an airplane, they tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others. Why? Because if you’ve run yourself ragged and neglected your own well-being, you won’t be in a position to offer strength and love to others.


If your health—mental or physical—is a mess, you can’t give others your best. If your heart is bitter and resentful because your own needs have gone unmet, you’re not in a good position to love others well.


Balance is essential. You need to treat your future self as someone worthy of love and care.


Permission to Prioritize Yourself

Today, I want to give you permission: for those of you who feel a twinge of selfishness anytime you take time for yourself, express your opinion, or communicate your needs, know this: it’s part of healthy love. As much as we’re called to love others, you need to love yourself too.


Start with something small. Do one thing today that prioritizes your needs and well-being. Maybe it’s setting aside time for yourself, or just speaking up about something important to you. These small acts are gifts to your future self—and they’ll help you show up better for others in the long run.


If you’re looking for a way to integrate healthy self-love and joyful habits into your life, check out R40! It’s designed to help you find joy in your connections again, taking care of yourself in ways that benefit your mind, future, and relationships.


Click here to learn more about our R40 challenge! 

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